Stepmom-itis

My boyfriend’s daughter had her first day of first grade yesterday and because of the very sad situation he’s in he never got to even talk to her about it. He had been looking forward to it all day long and since he couldn’t be a part of the actual day he wanted to hear from her how she liked it. It makes me really sad to see him left out so much when he doesn’t deserve it. It was his night to talk to her on the phone and somehow he always gets left out to dry.

I gathered these tips that I’ve gotten from other stepmother friends. I wanted to share them..very wise women.

· Don’t let anyone except you & stepdaughter decide what your relationship should be.
· Keep the lines of communication open, honest, loving, fair and on an age-appropriate (but not condescending) level.
· Honor her relationship with her mother.
· Help her father to be a good father.
· Know that you and she are going to change over the years. This means that your relationship will change, too. Try to find a core, though, that always remains the same.
· Create traditions in your home that include her, make her feel part of the family, not just a visitor.
· Create ‘private jokes’ that you & she share - or that the three of you share
· Nothing Matters like Love: A child who is loved is more likely to develop into a healthy, caring adult.
· Loving involves listening and understanding
· A parent, who is effective at loving, tries to prevent problems.
· Be yourself
· Treat the child like an individual. Respect their opinions and listen to their ideas.

A friend of mine who is also a stepmom but isn’t a biological mother (just like me) stated she bellieves that it might be harder for a stepmom who’s never been a mother herself. The things she mentioned really hit home for me. I mean I know nothing at all about kids but then again I’m not a mean person so that would never be an issue. I just keep telling myself “the father (my boyfriend) can take the lead and I’ll just follow along” and I figure maybe I’ll get thru it that way.

I’d really like to know. How do stepmoms/secondwives deal with everything without losing their minds?

How does one find a way to deal with his ex and not let it pick away at your relationship? How do you keep everything in perspective without analyzing/agonizing over everything?

Is it a matter of time or age? Or both?

The best way I can describe dating a man who has a child that you’re not allowed to meet yet (going on 3 years) is like watching a movie. You get into the plot and are routing for the characters but you can’t actually become a part of it. It often feels unreal and it’s hard to really get emotionally attached to it. If it weren’t for my boyfriend opening up to me in such a strong way I’d forever be lost to it all.

Another good way to explain it is like watch a sports game from the sidelines. You can cheer, coach and keep score but can’t join in the game. You keep feeling like you can help or something but you just have to stay on the sidelines.

It’s sad sometimes but then again I know the moment I get involved in all of this I won’t be able to be invisible again even if I want to. Once I step into the ring there is no turning back. I guess I need to just enjoy the quiet I have right now because at some point it will get very loud.

“Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don’t give up.” – Anne Lamott

I’m not sure for myself but I definitely don’t want to be my boyfriend’s daughter’s (with another person) mother. I’d like to be a role model and a friend for her if she likes. I also have no interest in getting in between the mother and daughter relationship. As far as I see it, my boyfriend’s daughter is his responsibility…I’m just along for the ride. Obviously I have no idea what will happen in the long run but I’m not looking to fill a mother position.

I’ve moved my previously stepmomitis.blogspot.com to here because I felt for what I was speaking about it might help to have some more options.

I want to first say clearly that I am not yet a “stepmom” technically but the day I marry my boyfriend of 2 ½ years I will automatically be one whether I like it or not. It’s a very strange and unusual journey for me to take but as I do with all other journeys I hope to learn as much as I can. As of today I don’t know my soon-to-be stepdaughter but I know of her quite a bit. I will not get into the reasoning behind why I don’t know her very well as that is not why I started this blog. This blog is about me taking on this responsibility and where it takes me.

I chose the name stepmom-itis because being a stepmom gets such a bad rep in society. Just talking to my friend last night she said “I can’t believe you’re going to be a stepmom…I had such horrible stepmothers”. I have no real assumptions about being one…not good or bad.